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: stuck...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I gave it all away...
A year ago at this time...
I had a nice job that paid well and challenged me, an apartment that was all mine, and I was surrounded by everyone I love. I didn't even mind that the apartment I had in NY was only one room and the ugliest 1960s colors. I was so proud of that apartment even though everyone else laughed at it cause it was so hot they couldn't breathe and had to sit on top of each other to hang out. I had the money and time to go out whenever I wanted. I took road trips. I made new friends in Syracuse going to open mike nights and songwriter forums. I thought I was happy with all of that, although it's been pointed out to me that maybe I was just "content". But is it necessarily wrong to be "content"?
Now I'm in Miami...and I thought this was what I wanted, and its not. I gave up everything (literally most of everything that I owned, my family, my friends) that I had in NY to come here, and I'm questioning if it's worth it and if this is what I really want to be doing. The number of non-superficial, unsnobby people I have met here is...very few. I can't even go out anywhere here because I don't have any money to go out!
I wanted to go back to school for my masters because I didn't think I could make it in the music industry with the skills that I had. I came to Miami because I thought if I stayed in Syracuse I would never leave and waste my life forever in some job that didn't really interest me and be surrounded by all of the...toxic relationships in my life. I don't think I came here for the right reasons. I came here as the best way out of a set of undesirable options, not because I was really enthusiastic about doing it.
I'm questioning whether I want to be in the music industry as a career at all. Or maybe its something I only want to do as a side career. I don't think I've tried out enough jobs to decide what I really want. Maybe I should be trying out something else before I commit myself to 3 more semesters and big debt. I'm realizing that I need to be doing some work that's hands-on, involves some physical labor. Honestly I'd rather be cleaning something, or cooking, or doing something like that than anything involving math or reading. I loved working in the spa because I had the best of both worlds: the intellectual challenge of all the special event and group planning, and doing all that on a cordless phone while cleaning and turning over treatment rooms at the same time....I loved the multitasking part of the job...minus the demanding clientele. I don't think I ever sat down or was behind my desk 90% of the time I worked there.
I used to make fun of people who would settle working for $6.00 an hour. I'm starting to understand how they would keep working there because they loved the job and going to work every day even though the money was awful. I'm glad to have a college degree and wouldn't trade that experience for the world...but I'm not sure I'll ever use it in the way it was intended. A big myth exists out there that if you have a college degree you will have amazing job prospects and are suddently all this more marketable....maybe true, maybe not.
I'm walking around everyday in a permanent stupor. Everything looks hazy. My judgement is cloudy. I can't get rid of these sinus infections and this headache I've had for 3 weeks. My eye is swelling as a result of what I hope is just these sinus cysts and not anything more serious. The rest of the world probably thinks I'm on drugs but I just can't focus with all of the pressure in my face. I need to go back to NY and get the cysts removed but don't know when I would do that unless I took incompletes in school for this semester and took time off of work and then I wouldn't be able to pay my rent.
I think this is whats called being stuck.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I gave it all away...
A year ago at this time...
I had a nice job that paid well and challenged me, an apartment that was all mine, and I was surrounded by everyone I love. I didn't even mind that the apartment I had in NY was only one room and the ugliest 1960s colors. I was so proud of that apartment even though everyone else laughed at it cause it was so hot they couldn't breathe and had to sit on top of each other to hang out. I had the money and time to go out whenever I wanted. I took road trips. I made new friends in Syracuse going to open mike nights and songwriter forums. I thought I was happy with all of that, although it's been pointed out to me that maybe I was just "content". But is it necessarily wrong to be "content"?
Now I'm in Miami...and I thought this was what I wanted, and its not. I gave up everything (literally most of everything that I owned, my family, my friends) that I had in NY to come here, and I'm questioning if it's worth it and if this is what I really want to be doing. The number of non-superficial, unsnobby people I have met here is...very few. I can't even go out anywhere here because I don't have any money to go out!
I wanted to go back to school for my masters because I didn't think I could make it in the music industry with the skills that I had. I came to Miami because I thought if I stayed in Syracuse I would never leave and waste my life forever in some job that didn't really interest me and be surrounded by all of the...toxic relationships in my life. I don't think I came here for the right reasons. I came here as the best way out of a set of undesirable options, not because I was really enthusiastic about doing it.
I'm questioning whether I want to be in the music industry as a career at all. Or maybe its something I only want to do as a side career. I don't think I've tried out enough jobs to decide what I really want. Maybe I should be trying out something else before I commit myself to 3 more semesters and big debt. I'm realizing that I need to be doing some work that's hands-on, involves some physical labor. Honestly I'd rather be cleaning something, or cooking, or doing something like that than anything involving math or reading. I loved working in the spa because I had the best of both worlds: the intellectual challenge of all the special event and group planning, and doing all that on a cordless phone while cleaning and turning over treatment rooms at the same time....I loved the multitasking part of the job...minus the demanding clientele. I don't think I ever sat down or was behind my desk 90% of the time I worked there.
I used to make fun of people who would settle working for $6.00 an hour. I'm starting to understand how they would keep working there because they loved the job and going to work every day even though the money was awful. I'm glad to have a college degree and wouldn't trade that experience for the world...but I'm not sure I'll ever use it in the way it was intended. A big myth exists out there that if you have a college degree you will have amazing job prospects and are suddently all this more marketable....maybe true, maybe not.
I'm walking around everyday in a permanent stupor. Everything looks hazy. My judgement is cloudy. I can't get rid of these sinus infections and this headache I've had for 3 weeks. My eye is swelling as a result of what I hope is just these sinus cysts and not anything more serious. The rest of the world probably thinks I'm on drugs but I just can't focus with all of the pressure in my face. I need to go back to NY and get the cysts removed but don't know when I would do that unless I took incompletes in school for this semester and took time off of work and then I wouldn't be able to pay my rent.
I think this is whats called being stuck.
relieved
okay
exhausted
anxious